I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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