I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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