This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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