I can tuck mytits in my pants
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
