Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
