Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
