The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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