You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
