If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
