Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
