well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
