so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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