I have demons in me.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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