we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
