I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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