My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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