New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
