he wants to bone in the snuggie
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
