I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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