the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
