first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she peed on how many people?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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