Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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