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Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
