he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize