I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately