I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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