Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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