If i come over, it means nothing
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
