My brain says no but my pants say off.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
