I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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