we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
