Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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