Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
