All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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