You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
