Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
