I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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