it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
