Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my liver is dry heaving
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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