There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
