I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
