Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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