remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
