I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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