im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
soo... how was my night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
