Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
