I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
