You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my being single is dangerous.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
