Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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