I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
