I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
