I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
