I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
