we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
