When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
