I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He felt like a one man threesome
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
