I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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