I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
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If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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