Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..