I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
