If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
