I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
