i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
