my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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