I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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