SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
