i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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