She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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